Where are my pants?

During the process of applying for the Future Leaders program at McLean Bible Church, I really had to think and pray about whether this is what God might be calling me to as the next step into my future. A year ago, the thought of applying for and anxiously hoping that I would get accepted to a leadership program would have been nearly impossible to imagine. I have never fancied myself a leader, and I have spent the majority of my life fearing and resisting leadership. Honestly, most of the time it scares the pants off me. But the God we serve is in the business of changing hearts and transforming people. God has been showing me how he has changed the desires of my heart to match those of his own, and it is amazing and exciting to see. It brings to mind Psalm 37:4:

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will grant you the desires of your heart."

Now this verse is not trying to tell us that if we follow God he is going to give us everything we want. It is saying that the more we lean into him and seek to know him more, he will change the desires of our hearts. Our desires will be one and the same as his, and then, of course, we will see the desires of our hearts granted, because they will be in accordance to his will. I love this verse and all that it implies...especially because I am seeing it so concretely in my life.

The more that I have been seeking God in the quiet and delighting myself in him, he has transformed the desires of my heart--I now am embracing the idea of becoming a leader and want to seek to take steps toward being able to confidently step into such a role. If I look back to even just this past school year, I didn't have this strong desire to be trained as a leader. Like I mentioned earlier, I mostly resisted the idea. But now, my heart embraces this idea! Yes, it is still scary to me, but God isn't asking me to be fearless, just faithful. (So basically, even though I may be scared pants-less, I can still embrace things standing in my underwear. Haha.) I am not excited and expectant about what God wants to teach me and show me and prepare me for. I am at such a crossroads in my life. I'm trying to figure out who I am and who God wants me to become. I'm trying to figure out what specific area of ministry God is calling me to, and how to take steps towards that end. 

I know that God is calling me to big, great things in the future, but he still needs to teach me, to break me down and refine me, to increase my faith and strength, and to equip me for all that is ahead. How can I not be excited?! 

Now, as I prepare for my preliminary phone interview for the Future Leaders program, I have to ask myself why I want to be in this program. The answer is not difficult to provide. The trials and difficulties that I have faced in my life, largely in the past year or two, I have come to cling to 1 Peter 1:6-7, which I have cited here before. This passage tells us to "be glad, because there is wonderful joy ahead, even though we must endure many trials for a short while." The joy comes because the trials are testing and refining our faith to prove it is genuine. And once we stand firm in our faith through trials, it will bring us great glory and honor when Christ reveals himself. 

So in the midst of really difficult days, I have to stop and ask myself that same question I posed here before: What do I ultimately want: whatever my selfish desire is OR a faith that has been refined and proved of more worth than gold? Well, maybe I want both, but that's not Go's intent. the key word is "ultimately." What do I ultimately want? I want the faith that has been refined and strengthened and proved of more worth than gold with my deepest inmost heart and self.

And I find more joy in knowing that the more trials I go through, the more endurance and character I build, the more my faith is refined and strengthened--and all that is preparing me to become an authentic and effective leader in the future. I have to be able to walk through the desert and valleys in my spiritual journey and come face-to-face with painful hardships and stand firm alone, clinging solely to God and my faith in his great power and love. Once I know that I can stand firm on my own, and see with my own eyes that God truly is ALL I need, then I can embrace true leadership. Because if I can't withstand testing and trials on my own, without others to pull me through, how will I ever be able to lead or help someone else who is in the desert or valley of their own spiritual journey?

     "...No one can help anyone without becoming involved, without entering with his or her whole person into the painful situation, without taking the risk of becoming hurt, wounded, or even destroyed in the process.... 

    Who can save a child from a burning house without taking the risk of being hurt by the flames? Who can listen to a story of loneliness and despair without taking the risk of experiencing similar pains and even losing precious peace of mind? In short, 'Who can take away suffering without entering into it?'

    The great illusion of leadership is to think that others can be led out of the desert by someone who has never been there."   (excerpt from "Wounded Healer")

    "Pastoral care means: offering your own life-experience to your fellow travelers and, as Paul Simon sings, to lay yourself down like a bridge over troubled waters."    (excerpt from "Creative Ministry")

-Henri Nouwen

God is using my wounds to build me up to be a healer. He wants me to pursue my dreams, knowing he is leading me. I can see that God is molding me into a leader and healer through the wounds I have suffered. I think that being able to share your suffering with another is such a crucial part of deep and meaningful ministry. People can’t be led out of the desert by someone who has never been there. To me, caring for someone and ministering to their heart means being open and vulnerable about your own life-experiences and laying yourself down as a bridge over troubled waters. We must be real and be able to show that we are human; we struggle, we aren’t perfect; but we do have an almighty God whom we serve who compensates for our imperfections and overcomes them. 

In realizing all of these things, I am now inspired to be a leader and want to run after that call God has placed on my heart, and I am now ready at this point in my life. I know that God has been weaving all of these things together in my mind. The many lessons he has been teaching me I feel affirm that God is calling me to be a leader.  God is showing me so much and working in my heart in so many ways that it’s hard to adequately express everything and it’s a bit overwhelming, but overwhelming in a good way. I am ready to embrace, with arms and heart wide open, whatever is next.