Dream-chasing

Dreams. Passion. Talents. God. Risk. Journey. Fulfillment.

If there is a theme to the things I've been reading lately, been feeling inspired by, and living beside, it is: chasing your dreams, taking risks and working hard, realizing that God is under, above, behind, and woven throughout it all.

"You are good at something for a reason. God designed you this way; this is on purpose. It isn't fake or a fluke or small. This is the mind and heart and hands and voice you've been given: USE IT." --Jen Hatmaker

I am so incredibly blessed to be married to a man who believes in me and thinks that I am capable and talented. These things are often difficult for me to believe. But to walk alongside someone who encourages and reaffirms you is a gift precious and powerful beyond description. For me, it's a salve to the most tender, hidden wounds. It draws out joy from deep places and gathers all the excitement bubbling in my veins and helps me to believe that I can have dreams, and that they are beautiful, God-given, and possible.

But what makes this theme of dream-chasing in my life even more soul-swelling and joyful is that Heath is currently chasing his own dream. He has recognized his God-given talent and where it intersects with his passion. He has taken a risk to leave his job and become simultaneous unemployed and self-employed, and to sprint after his dream to be a full-time photographer.

If you want to feel inspired, scared and excited, and bursting with pride for the one you love, walk with them as they pursue what makes them come alive and feel fulfilled.

The possibilities are exciting. The risks are a bit frightening. But more powerful than the feelings of excitement and uncertainty is the happiness and peace that comes from watching the one I love more than anything trust God, trust himself, and trust the process.

We have taken this leap of faith with full confidence that God will take care of us and lead us where we need to go and we will arrive when we need to get there.

Now, my prayers are to know how to support, encourage, inspire, uplift, cheer on, affirm, and LOVE this dream-chasing man of mine. I pray that God will show me how to help and not hinder. And no matter where this dream-chasing leads us or what it brings us, Heath and I believe in dreams, God-given gifts, and fulfilling work. And we live in the reassurance of a God who wants only good for us.

Guys, ask God how he's gifted you. or if you already know, get to chasing. It's along this path that the truest inspiration is found, where the sweetest moments of connecting to God are experienced, and where your deepest feelings of satisfaction and fulfillment will envelop you.

Embrace your gifts. Chase your dreams.

Blessing

What is it about a chilly day that just begs you to get a sweet chai latte and curl up in your favorite old jeans and baggy sweater with your trusty journal? It's as though all of these things were designed to go together. Sure, you can have them each without the others, but they aren't at their full greatness that way.

So, this morning I'm sitting here with my sweet chai in my faded blue jeans and oversized sweater reflecting on what the last year of my life has brought and the excitement mixed with uncertainty that leads into the future, the year to come.

If I had to use one word to sum up 2013 it would be "blessing." Seeing all of the blessings that have rained upon me this past year has highlighted in bright yellow that God, in every way, is our great Provider. He truly gives to address our needs, and he does so with impeccable timing.

2013 was year one of marriage for Heath and I, and Heath's presence in my life was/is my greatest happiness. Heath is the man I want and need my life to be tethered to. He is sweetness. Laughter. Nonsense and no-nonsense. He is endless cuddles and hello and goodbye kisses. He is wisdom. Knowledge. Good advice. He's my best friend and my other half. Blessing.

2013 was also year one of living in a foreign country for me. While there were lots of adjustments and countless bouts of loneliness and frustration and thoughts of worthlessness and lack of purpose, there was also a transition out the other side of those dark tunnels. The sun now shines and I have found that I like it here. New Zealand is a nice place to live and there are lots of nice people that surround me--new family members, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances. I feel a million times more content today than this same day last year. Blessing.

Last year was a year of unemployment. Waiting on my work visa and lack of available jobs forced this upon me. I struggled to feel worth and purpose sitting at home day after day, week after week. But Heath took care of us (and Karen too) and God used my new family to show me I still had value, even if I had no idea how this was possible. And my life now! You wouldn't believe it, but I have three jobs. Two part-time jobs in town and my Lovely Lettering business is really growing. Heath and I are not rich by any means, but we are paying bills, saving money, and have two great overseas trips planned this year. Blessing.

Last year was one separated from all of the friends and family I had previously spent time with and relied on. Thousands of miles of separation can definitely be felt in sharp pains and aching longing at times, but technology. Skype, Facetime, Gmail/email, Facebook, even Instagram, have helped me stay connected with those people. Letters and cards and packages from far away also spreads love across the ocean and closes the distance gap momentarily. While friendship and family relationships all look different now, and it's not always easy, it has forced me to grow in the way that I love people. It forces me to choose whether I will be intentional in expressing love to someone, even if it might take a bit more effort than it did in the past. I'm not great at it yet, but God continues to re-shape my idea of what it is to love people. And I have lots of people in my life to love. Blessing.

Now as the first month of the new year has already whizzed past me, I embrace this new year with arms wide open, feeling that excitement mixed with uncertainty, yet stepping forward in confidence and the security of knowing that God has blessed and provided for me so far beyond imagination thus far, and he can't help but do so in all my future days. Blessing.

Free Downloadable Print!

Hey guys!

To help kickstart Lovely Lettering, I am posting a free download of my "In All the World" print. Just click on the link below, download, print on some lovely paper, and frame it to hang on the wall or gift to a friend!

                                                            "In All the World" Print

Finding Your Sweet Spot

I work best in a space that's warm, sunny, and cozy. Usually I like to have a large square workspace on which to spread out all of my things. And I like to have on my mood music--meaning whatever music I'm in the mood for! (A caffeinated beverage and on-hand snacks are bonuses).

Beyond the general description I've just given, it's difficult to explain exactly which spaces will be ones that inspire me and enable me to crank out works of creativity and send me into my happy place, but I know it when I see it.  I've always been this way... always searching for the perfect spot, place, nook, space, or area: my sweet spot. When I find these areas, like I said: true bliss. But when I'm in a space where I'm not comfortable, or it's not warm enough, or sunny enough, or just doesn't have that undefinable X-factor that I'm searching for, I'm pretty useless. I lack inspiration and creativity, I'm thoroughly unsettled, distracted, and very aware of wanting to be in a "better space" that I'm more connected to.

I want to suggest that to really tap into your creativity, you shouldn't underestimate the mood, character, quality, tone, or atmosphere of the space that you're setting up your work in. Ambiance is always there, and it can be felt--especially deep down in the creative bones in your body. In the right space, you can gather inspiration from that which surrounds you. Or maybe the environment you're in simply serves to lift your mood, but that will likely increase creativity and productivity. The ambiance that defines your sweet spot should not be overlooked!

Evaluate your workspace and identify the aspects of ambiance that most affect you and how you work. Whether it's music, lighting, seating, or the colors around you-- identify how to improve it and make those changes. Get in touch with what inspires you and create a sweet spot for yourself with self-tailored ambiance!

What I Miss the Most

As one can imagine, when you move to another country you miss things from your homeland. Some things are small and insignificant while others are large and important.

In trying to process so many NEW things and cope with missing old things, it can be a little overwhelming if I don't intentionally take a step back and see how I can learn and grow from this transitional period of my life.

So, aside from the obvious missing of my family and easily accessible Starbucks, what I miss most is intimate female relationships. I miss being able to call up a friend for a coffee date and catch up on life- talking unreservedly and openly, knowing that your confidences are safe within the confines of a tried and true friendship. Everyone has or has had a best friend in their lifetime—a soul sister if you will—so we all know how sweet this relationship is.

A best friend or circle of intimate friends is one of the biggest sources of joy in a woman’s life. Why? Because women were created for intimate relationships. Isolation is where we stumble, believe lies about ourselves, and forget about our invaluable worth. That’s not what God intends for us. So instead we plant, grow, and nurture beautiful friendships in our lives that become the flowers in great gardens of healthy community.

Belonging and participating in such a community fulfills the longing we have to know and be known by others on a deep and meaningful level. We love the comfort of connecting with a friend who knows everything about us and loves us anyway. God has given us these huge tender hearts to share with others and open up for them to come in and be warmed by our love and friendship.  And in turn, we love that our friends will challenge us, encourage us, inspire us, give us the hard truth when needed, or just sit with us in companionable silence if need be.

That’s what I miss the most: that wonderful community of close girlfriends that I can walk through life with. And I dare say that these relationships are even more important in Christian community where we can pray for one another, study the Word together, and serve one another in love. Who else, besides another woman, can understand the daily battles and triumphs you experience? Who else can understand all the different roles you must step into—mother, wife, daughter, sister, chauffer, employee, boss, athlete, chef, laundress, maid, artist, hostess, or domestic goddess? We can laugh, cry, rejoice, and relate with one another.

As we try to fulfill all the different roles in our lives, it is easy to become discouraged or to feel inadequate when looking at the life of another woman who appears to have it all together. But let’s be honest—there are times when we have it together and times that we don’t, no matter who you are. And when we don’t have it together, we are comforted and uplifted to know we have a female friend who truly understands what it’s like and can speak that encouraging word, drop that sweet note, or give that much needed hug. I think women need to unite together so that we can uplift and celebrate one another instead of tearing one another down through comparison and jealousy.

This longing I have for the ability to physically be in those friendships still has highlighted the importance of community for me. God is showing me that I miss it because it’s important and because he made it to be an integral part of my life as a woman. And he is also showing me that it is important for me to reach out and take steps to find a new community and make new friendships here, even though I still cherish and maintain long distance friendships.

It’s not always easy or desirable to keep showing up or to make an effort in friendship when we don’t feel like it or if we’ve been hurt. But hopefully we will all realize the importance of those relationships and how God has created us to engage on a deep level with other women. There is something so special about being a woman. And there is something spiritual and powerful about being women together. We are empowered through these relationships.

"Today I encourage you to think about the women in your life. Be amazed by them. Allow them to be amazed by you. Encourage and empower them. Strengthen each other. Love each other. Celebrate each other! Cherish and fiercely protect your female relationships, for in the midst of all that our culture demands of us women, it is in those relationships that you have the potential to find a special kind of healing, compassion, and acceptance."

Warm Hands, Warm Hearts

"A cup of coffee shared with a friend is happiness tasted and time well spent." 

A hot drink cupped lovingly between your hands. Soaking in its warmth and willing it to reach all the way down to your toes. A small round table separating you from a beautiful brunette friend. 

You glance around the small coffee shop, drinking in the rich aroma of coffee in the air. The sounds of the espresso machine humming, coffee beans grinding, and lilting conversations rise and swirl around, creating the background music for your afternoon.

The two of you indulge in a blueberry muffin with sugar sprinkles glittering on top and slowly sip as you catch up on the details of life that have accrued since the last updates were swapped. You lean back into your chair and bring yours knees up to get comfortable and settle in, knowing that you'll enjoy as many minutes together as you can.

She shares her worries about the future and about how she is bravely taking steps to really be present where she finds herself now. You share your dreams of creative ventures you'd like to pursue and the accompanying doubts and fears. Both of you talk of your families and laugh yourselves into stitches reminiscing about memories of the past. 

All of these things are shared because there is an unspoken understanding and heart connection between two old and dear friends. The space of this special friendship is safe and sacred. Grace and love abound, as well as honesty and encouragement. The hours float past and when it's time to part ways there are hugs and promises for a next time.

You walk away smiling because what is better than sharing life with your soul sister in the world of warm drinks and warm hearts?

Where Is Home?

We all know the saying, "home is where the heart is." But what happens if you feel your heart is in numerous places? How do you know where your home is? How do you make a new home?

Having moved to New Zealand about 4 1/2 months ago, the idea of this place being my home is still an elusive thing for me. While maybe it is physically and geographically; I don't feel like it's home.

If I were to define my home according to where my heart is, then I would have multiple homes. I feel that my heart is here in New Zealand with my wonderful husband and new in-laws; it is also in Minnesota where I grew up and my parents, two sisters, and beautiful niece live; parts of my heart are in Oregon and Arizona, where two of my oldest and dearest friends live; and still yet another piece of my heart is on the East Coast of the States where I went to college, made amazing friends and lived some of my post-college years building close relationships with two families.

There are people and places in my life that are very special to me and have helped shape and mold me into the woman I am today. And no matter where in the world I am physically, I will always have a piece of my heart--no matter how small or large--that is with them. While it can be a bit difficult at times to feel stretched so thin and far and wide across countries and between continents, what a beautiful problem. It means I have loved and been loved immensely and that I have had the opportunity to travel and experience the wonderful world that God has created. I am blessed.

And still...

Being here in this beautiful country, with a husband I love more with each passing day, with a lovely new family, a few new friends and acquaintances, and a place to call "my own," I don't feel that this is home. How do I get to that point? How do I arrive at that destination? I do not yet know.

Perhaps it will never happen, because so much of me is rooted in my American motherland. Perhaps it will simply take more time because things are still new. Maybe it is because I don't feel like I quite fit in here. Or it could be a result of the open-mindedness that Heath and I have concerning where we might live in a few years time. Perhaps it's because I have no job and have been on 'vacation' for 6 months, lacking routine and a feeling of purpose to ground me here. It could be a combination of any of these. I don't have the answers.

Whatever the reason, I want to p the thought that my heart is large enough to have so many pieces in so many places. Maybe I don't feel totally at home right where I am at this exact moment in time, but that's okay. Because if home really is where the heart is, maybe I have many homes, and I am a wealthy girl. Wealthy in love and glorious relationships with amazing people. And maybe I can try to feel at home inside the love of the people in my life instead.

Rest and Renewal

Yesterday I read this great article from Darling Magazine, and I really loved it. The writer addresses how to make the most of the newness each day brings and finding renewal in morning quiet time. (Read article here:
http://darlingmagazine.org/category/the-dreamer/page/2/).

Renewal comes from taking time to rest and be still and quiet. God modeled to us the spiritual discipline of rest. When he created the world, he rested on the seventh day. Not because he needed rest, but because he knew we would. We need rest to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically well. Jesus took time away from the crowds and his disciples to rest. He slept, prayed, and spent quiet alone time. This was his necessary renewal and refreshment to continue on in his ministry at his best.

If Jesus needed to rest, don't you think we do to? Sometimes we let life get the better of us. We never stop moving or doing, until we are too exhausted to do anything but collapse. But when we operate in this way, no one is getting us at our best-- God, family members, friends, co-workers. Rest, quiet, and stillness should be much more valued and prioritized in our daily lives. We tend to forget the beauty of these "quiet times." But the beauty and renewal are there in great abundance, if only we would grasp them.

When we take time to be alone and quiet with God in the mornings, we gain that desired renewal and make the most of our new beginning at the start of each day. Our God is a God who loves re-birth and renewal and fresh starts. That's his whole business of redemption. We get to pull out a fresh piece of paper and write something new with no trace of anything previous and no hint of what is to come. It is a beautiful thing to engage our mornings, claiming that fresh start that God has waiting for us each dawn.

I have slipped out of the habit of morning quiet times and relegated it to the times that I think best suit, but if I'm honest with myself, stopping in the middle of the day to close out life and be with God is so much more difficult than giving him the first untouched part of my day. Having quiet time in the morning before the busyness, expectations, demands, and stresses of the day tug on you seems much more beneficial. And there is an almost magical feeling to the early morning, as if the world is only yours and you can do with it what you like. You feel infinitely large and small at the same time, and it is absolutely marvelous and lovely and altogether wonderful.

I have been inspired to start rising early in the mornings and start each day in the early hours, claiming them as mine and God's alone. I want to start each day with the Lord, refreshing my heart, mind, and soul; meditating on scripture, reading, journaling thoughts and revelations, and sparking creative inspiration. I think there is more beauty and contentment to be found and captured for my life in that morning quiet time, and I want to grab it with both hands and let it flow into my life and permeate all that is there.

So, I now ask you, just as the article asks, "How do you wake up in the morning? Where does your renewal come from?"

"Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have."  
-Lemony Snicket, The Blank Book

"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive-to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love-then make that day count!"  
-Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

"Outside the open window the morning air is all awash with angels"  
-Richard Wilbur, Collected Poems, 1943-2004

Hearty and Abundant

I've just recently finished reading "She's Got Issues" by Nicole Unice (you can check out her blog at http://www.nicoleunice.com/blog/ ). It is a great read and I highly suggest it to all Christian women out there! I read through this book with a close friend of mine and we corresponded via email about each chapter and how God was using it to encourage, challenge, and convict us. It was very enjoyable for me--it was a means of processing what I was reading and learning, it was a space to be honest and vulnerable, and a place to give and receive encouragement within a healthy Christian relationship. Cyber fellowship. Welcome to 2013! But seriously, I have been very blessed by it.

I want to share a little something that stood out to me in the final chapter of the book that spoke to me and challenged me a bit about the things I value and why. Nicole is speaking to the idea of what a healthy Christian woman looks like. She proposes that this woman would be "hearty and abundant."
          "Hearty and abundant? those words don't seem to sum up what I'm trying to become. They sound like the description for a can of soup. I don't want to be soup. I want to be beautiful and elegant and smart and witty. But hearty and abundant might be much closer descriptors of what Jesus offers us. Hearty is defined as warm-hearted and affectionate; genuine and sincere; completely devoted; exuberant. Hearty is about a full-of-life heart."
I LOVED that. She hit the nail on the head. It really resounded within my heart--especially when she says she wants to be beautiful, elegant, smart, and witty. I want those things too; and other things like it. Most women do, I would imagine. But why? Do I desire those things because the Bible (God) tells us that they are the qualities of a godly woman, or is it because our culture and the media and the people around us portray them as valuable? I think far too often I can be found pining after the qualities and characteristics that the world values. And far too infrequently I am focused on developing the ones that God says are valuable.

What descriptors of women would God value? Well, he tells us in Proverbs 31 that a godly woman is virtuous, capable, hard-working, trustworthy, energetic, strong, confident, a provider, dignified, wise, peaceful, careful, kind, and God-fearing.
These aren't quite the same as beauty and elegance or popularity and style, or the other characteristics valued in the world. While some may overlap in different ways, I think a worldly focus is missing the mark.

Not only does God tell us what qualities we should be focused on attaining to be godly women, he also warns against things that we can become overly concerned with--things that take our focus from godliness.
          "Don't be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes form within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This si how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands."           (1 Peter 3:3-5)

I need to be honest with myself and realize that I have tendencies to be more concerned with outward beauty, hairstyles, clothes, and fashion. My desire is truly to be more focused on cultivating the characteristics of a godly woman. Do I want to be a woman that is precious to God because I have beauty on the inside and a gentle and quiet spirit, or do I want to be a woman who is precious in the eyes of the world because I am keeping up with the latest trends and buying the most fashionable clothes?

          "We must be honest--gut-level, searingly honest--about the ways we are influenced by the world around us, with our issues old and new, and with our need for God in the moment-to-moment details of our lives. We need Christian sisters who hold us, not to the standard of our neighbors or culture, but to the standard of obedience to a life transformed by Christ."          ("She's Got Issues")
This is how we turn from that worldliness and fight every day to become a little bit more like our wonderful God. We need to be brutally honest with ourselves, even when we don't like the truths we uncover. And we need brutally honest and incredibly loving Christian friends who will hold us to God's standard and won't allow us to settle for anything less. And we must help ourselves by knowing what we want and going after it.

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."          (Romans 12:2)

New Life in New Zealand

Today marks exactly 2 months of being a New Zealand resident! I have really been enjoying living here. I can hardly complain. We live in a beautiful coastal town called Mangawhai Heads (also known as "Magical Mangawhai") on the North Island. We are blessed to be in the downstairs flat of Heath's mom's house, which is completely furnished and very nice. God has provided for us way beyond what most newlywed couples could hope in a situation like ours. We are very thankful!

I am currently here on a visitor's visa, so I am not allowed to work yet. I will soon be in the process of sending in my application for a work visa, because I am now eligible to do so! Not being able to work has meant a very extended vacation for me, and it has been a much needed period of rest after quite a difficult season of life for me during the second half of 2012. It's amazing how God knows what we need and when and is gracious enough to bless us with rest and relaxation to help us recharge and re-center ourselves.

While I will be looking for a job once I have my work visa, I have also just embarked on a small business venture. I'm currently testing the waters, I suppose you could say. My hope is to make some money on the side doing lettering--namely addressing wedding and party invites, and then branching out into a couple other avenues if it proves to be successful and have enough of a market. I am really excited about this, as it is something that I love doing, so I'm praying that it will work out.

As for Heath, he started a new job about three weeks ago for a travel agency called Flight Centre. This week is his last week of training and then he will be certified as a travel consultant, selling flights, accommodations, and trip packages to customers who come into the store. He is working in Whangarei, which is about 45 minutes drive from Mangawhai, which means he has a bit of a commute every day. It's a lot of information for him to learn and take in, but he is confident that it will be a job he enjoys once he becomes more familiarized with things! It has been a great blessing and answer to prayer for Heath to land this job.

We are happy as clams here in New Zealand and as a married couple! We have been married almost 3 months now, and I am loving every minute of it. Hopefully Heath is too, hehe. That's all for now! Love and blessings to all our friends and family :)

Family

Lately I've been thinking about my family a lot. I suppose that's natural when you're far away and missing them. Sometimes it takes a bit of distance to help you to make sense of things and understand things you were too close to see before. God really wants us to see that we are loved, and our families are a huge part of that.

My family may not be one in which words of love are easily or often expressed. Love instead is measured and imparted in fierce loyalty, physical presence, and selfless servanthood and sacrifice. It is not in speech, but in action that they love.

It has taken me quite a while to realize and appreciate this. As I grow older, I understand my family and its unique characteristics and rhythms more. As I grow older, the less I puzzle in frustration and the more I find joy and feel in my heart how greatly and completely I am loved.


"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."     (Ephesians 3:14-19)

Power Over Darkness

"The power of Satan and his fallen angels is limited. They are but finite creatures who can do nothing outside the permissive will of God. Stan could do nothing against Job (and this was his complaint) until divinely permitted to do so. Satan and his angels are in possession of great knowledge, but they are not omniscient; they have vast power, when permitted to employ it, but they are not omnipotent; they cover the world by their delegated responsibility, but they are not omnipresent. They can suggest evil, but cannot coerce the will of another creature. They may spread snares and devices to ruin the children of God, but they cannot compel any other being to comply with their designs. They have power over nature when permitted to use it, but they can create nothing, nor can they employ God's creation other than as He decrees. They never defeated god. In truth, God uses Stan as an instrument to chasten and correct the erring saints. The knowledge of these limitations cannot but be a comfort to those Christians who take seriously their conflict with the powers of darkness."
-Lewis Sperry Chafer

Choosing Not to Choose

I longed to walk along an easy road,
   And leave behind the dull routine of home,
Thinking in other fields to serve my God'
   But Jesus said, "My time has not yet come."

I longed to sow the seed in other soil,
   To be unshackled in the work, and free,
To join with other laborers in their toil;
   But Jesus said, "It's not My choice for thee."

I longed to leave the desert, and be led
   To work where souls were sunk in sin and shame,
That I might win them; but the Master said,
   "I have not called you, publish here My name."

I longed to fight the battles of my King,
   Lift high His standards in the thickest strife;
But my great Captain had me wait and sing
   Songs of His conquests in my quiet life.

I longed to leave the hard and difficult sphere,
   Where all alone I seemed to stand and wait,
To feel I had some human helper near,
   But Jesus had me guard one lonely gate.

I longed to leave the common daily toil,
   Where no one seemed to understand or care;
But Jesus said, "I choose for you this soil,
   That you might raise for Me some blossoms rare."

And now I have no longing but to do
   At home, or far away, His blessed will,
To work amid the many or the few;
  Thus, "choosing not to choose," my heart is still.

Guerillas of Grace

I read this beautiful poem today:

"How shall I pray?
Are tears prayers, Lord?
Are screams prayers,
     or groans
                     or sighs
                                   or curses?
Can trembling hands be lifted to you,
     or clenched fists
                    or the cold sweat that trickles down my back
                                 or the cramps that knot my stomach?
Will you accept my prayers, Lord,
       my real prayers,
                    rooted in the muck and mud and rock of my life,
and not just the pretty, cut-flower, gracefully arranged
bouquet of words?
Will you accept me, Lord,
      as I really am,
                   messed up mixture of glory and grime?"

Oh, To Be As God

Bring me back to you, your heart. Connect our hearts again. Let your blood shed on the cross flow into my own heart and pump through my veins and course all throughout me. Pervade my body, my soul, my whole being. When I bleed, may it be your blood. When I cry, may it be your tears shed from the depths of love, longing, compassion, and emotion. When I speak, may it be your words, flowering out with the sweetness of honey, like a salve to the wounded places of hearts around me. When I touch, may it be your touch of healing, love, and acceptance--a kindness not of this world. May the cry of my heart to be a bit more like you each day, my beautiful God.

An Old Man

Today I had a really special encounter with God. The setting was the parking lot at Starbucks. (Go ahead and roll your eyes). I think that God knows how much I love Starbucks, so he uses it in so many awesome ways to speak to me, touch me, and open my eyes to life with him. God knows how to get our attention.

This morning I pulled into a parking spot in the lot outside Starbucks, and I saw an old man slowly getting out of his ancient Honda Civic. He was a bit stooped over as many old people get, and instantly I had a pang in my heart remembering my grandpa who had a similar walk. I half expected this man to shuffle over to me to give me a frail, yet loving hug, like my grandpa once used to do. But he just slowly walked past my car to some destination unknown to me. I almost wanted to get out and hold his arm to walk him across the parking lot just to make sure he was okay. I watched him and took note of his New Balance sneakers and yellow Reebok baseball cap. Everything is ten times more precious when worn by an old man. I instantly loved this man, although I didn't know him.

When I got in line once inside the Starbucks store, I noticed my new friend a few people in front of me, ordering his morning coffee. I tried to imagine his life--did he have a wife still, did he get coffee every morning, did he like to do the crossword puzzle in the newspaper, did he watch the news every night? Then I saw him smile at the cashier when she handed him his coffee. His smile was so simple and genuine. It was so apparent to me the goodness and inner joy in his heart. This was a good man. And old, slightly stooped, good-hearted man. Oh, I loved him. I had to look away because I was on the verge of tearing up. (It is pretty well known that I often tear up when I see really precious little kids. Apparently old people have also joined the ranks in the soft spot of my heart). His little smile made me happy, and I smiled to myself.

I waited a few more minutes to order and get my drink and the old man had since left with his coffee in hand. When I got into my car, I realized his car still parked near mine. He was sitting inside it. I was once again tearing up, and I was overwhelmed by a desire for this man to be blessed and have a wonderful day. I prayed for him to be blessed and to have a day filled with happiness and joy. My desire for this stranger to have a lovely day was so strong it was almost strange. Then I realized, God feels the exact same way about this man. It wasn't so strange after all. God loves this man, wants to bless him, and he wants joy and happiness to fill his days. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. God's great love! And yet another realization hit me: God feels the same way about me as well, and every single one of his children. My head knows that God desires good for me, but in this moment in the Starbucks parking lot, I felt it. I felt it in my heart and soul in an overwhelming way. It made that wonderful transition from head to heart. This old man that I wanted God to bless so abundantly, had just been used by God to bless me.

I hope that I can remember this man and the encounter I had with God that day on the days when I'm struggling to believe God for good in my life. May this be a man and a truth that I carry with me.

Final DTS Update (Paris)

This is it--finally! The last update, from Paris, nonetheless!

We spent a quick couple days in Paris as a special treat form our leaders. We were actually able to drive to Paris from Amsterdam, so we also got to add Belgium to our list of countries that we traveled during our trip. We were only able to spend two days in Paris, but it was still well worth it. It was our team debrief time, and we used it to explore as much of Paris as we could!

I don't have much to say about it, other than it was splendid, beautiful, too short-lived, and I want to go back some day when I have more time!! Also, Paris really is quite a romantic place ;)

The Eiffel Tower!

Our team takes on Paris

Bridge over the Seine River

Notre Dame

The gargoyles were petrifying

Inside the Notre Dame

Outside The Louvre

Arc de Triomphe

Riding on the top of a double decker bus!

The Mona Lisa...wasn't really that exciting to be honest

Ginormous painting

Couples attach a lock to the bridge to symbolize their love

Double decker view of Paris!

Update #9 (Amsterdam, Netherlands)

It is getting a bit difficult to remember all of the details of my trip. And I'm sure I'll leave out some things, but you'll at least get a feel for what the Netherlands was like for us!

Amsterdam was beautiful. I fell in love with its gorgeous buildings and canals and bikes almost immediately, despite the fact that we had to trudge through the rain lugging our suitcases to our new home at the Amsterdam YWAM base when we arrived. We were welcomed warmly, and were quickly assimilated into the YWAM base's schedule. We helped prepare meals, cleaned up afterwards, and helped with other assorted housekeeping chores. We attended some of the classes with the DTS school that was running while we were there, and attended some of their prayer and worship sessions as well.

Our ministry times were pretty varied. We spent a couple afternoons doing random acts of kindness, offering free prayer for people, going on prayer walks, and playing soccer with neighborhood kids after school. I think our most memorable ministry time, however, was when we helped a woman clean her house. Everyone said that they felt like they were on an episode of "Hoarders," but agreed that our help was very much worth it.

This older woman suffered from many medical ailments, and mostly had a lot of difficulty with her vision, being nearly blind. Doctors could perform surgery to improve her vision, however, her state of living was far from cleanly or sanitary. Any explanation of mine about the filth and grime and bugs and stench of this place will not do it justice. Do your best to imagine the worst, and this was that. She needed a clean home to come back to after surgery or she would risk infection. The doctors refused to operate until her home was clean. She also had no heat, because the repair men refused to enter the home to work on it. So our job was to spruce it up so she could get her heat back and have a surgery that would greatly alter her functionality in life. 

We disposed of countless things due to mold and dirt and various other things. Bugs crawled out from under the couch as we vacuumed it, and we scrubbed layer after layer of dirt, urine, and other mysterious grime. Perhaps the worst project was the bathroom. It was caked in poop, pee, and any combination of other nastiness wall to wall and of course on the floor and fixtures. Christina and Heath were the brave ones to tackle it. It took them three hours to scrub that baby down, but they did a great job (photos below). I had a hard time with the stench and bugs, but jokes and teamwork helped to make the job more enjoyable. We spent one day cleaning and organizing and minimizing. It only scratched the surface, but other church groups  would be coming to help out, as coordinated by the organization we had paired with. The woman was so amazed at the work we did and the transformation of her house that she actually cried when thanking us. God definitely used us!

During our free time we sampled a lot of great Dutch food. I am personally obsessed with stroopwafels, and McDonald's even had stroopwafel McFlurries. I think it's the only time I've craved McDonald's! We also did quite a bit of shopping. Those Dutchies have some style. Our team left looking pretty snazzy. I also got to spend some time with one of my friends from college who now lives in the Netherlands, which was pretty sweet. Also, our leader, Merel, and Jacquelien from our team are both Dutchies, so they were experts at navigating us around, and we also got to meet some of their friends and family. That was pretty special. We had a pretty awesome time touring Amsterdam!

Soccer ministry with neighborhood kids

Biking around like natives!

Before

After. Kudos to Christina and Heath.

Free Prayer for ministry time

The Dam--where we spent a lot of our time

Update #8 (Israel)

Israel. Jerusalem, specifically. It was like stepping back in time. I absolutely loved it. I venture (cautiously) to say that it was my favorite country we visited. Of all the places, this would be the one I would choose to return to before the others. The land is so rich with history, Christian importance, and revelation.

Our hosts were a South African couple with a great fire and excitement for the Lord and for Israel. One of the first things they told us was that Israel was a land of revelation and that we should expect God for awesome things and to teach us so much. What an exciting thing to know that we were in a special place where we could experience and understand God in a different way.

We toured the holy land and visited many sites where Jesus walked, gave sermons, and just lived everyday life. It's a bit surreal. It's hard to really connect things while you're there. We spent time doing prayer walks, picked olives with some disabled people, went to the Holocaust museum, attended a parade, and a handful of other things. We did a lot of just walking through the Old City and observing. I LOVED this, because I loved people watching. It was endlessly entertaining to me. I knew absolutely nothing about Jewish people and their religion and heritage before I went to Israel. Watching them was incredibly fascinating. I thought they were so precious, yet so interesting and intriguing.

The thing that sticks out most to me when I think back on our time in Israel was the realization of just how ignorant I am. I know so little about the world: the Jewish people and heritage, general world history, Christian history, and social issues (local and worldwide). I felt so frustrated with my lack of knowledge, because I knew that I was missing out on appreciating the places we went to for all they were worth. Knowing the roots and story behind something is so crucial to really understanding it presently and how it fits into our world now. It helps us see things with a more accurate perspective.

I came away with such a desire for greater knowledge. God really opened my eyes, provoked new thoughts and curiosities, and enlightened me. He gave me the opportunity to observe and experience things beyond my own culture, my religion, my upbringing, and my Western way of thinking. It is my hope that I can return to Jerusalem, Israel with greater knowledge of history and Christianity and the Bible, so that I may appreciate things for what they are, and to really grasp in the depths of my heart what a special place it is and will ever continue to be for all Christians.

Just last month I was in Starbucks waiting for my drink at the bar, and looking for a place to post up for the afternoon. I asked the woman behind me if I could use the seat next to her, and it got us to talking. Somehow we talked about careers, where we were from, what we've done in our lives, and a handful of other things. I had the opportunity to share with her that I was a Christian and had recently returned from a mission trip where I traveled around the world. As I told her where I had been, she lit up when I mentioned Israel. "I am from Israel, you know!" she said to me. "Wow, really?!" I replied. We began to talk about Israel, where I visited in Jerusalem, what my impression was, about religion--both Christian and Jewish-- and we chatted for a good 15 minutes. (The barista had to remake my drink because she thought that I had left without my drink..haha!) She had to leave, and as we parted ways, I was smiling to myself at how cool God is to orchestrate little connections like that. To share a wonderful moment with a perfect stranger is something special. I knew God was smiling too.

Video and photos from Israel:

Update video

Old City, Jerusalem

The View across the Kidron valley on the walk to our accommodations

Western Wall...Jews gathered during one of their celebrations

Trying to peek over the fence to see the Jews praying and celebrating near the Wall

Parade

A prisoner of war released and there was a great celebration

Ark of the Covenant replica

Church of the Nations

The wall around the city

Jesus' tomb

Jonah baptized Laura in the Jordan River

This temple has the original floor that Jesus preached on

Sea of Galilee