Running has a way of bringing all thoughts to the surface. I find that I have mini-revelations, moments of unspeakable joy and excitement, and moments of sharp pain and sadness while on a run. It is a bit frustrating, because I feel like I can sort out my life and see things with a different, greater clarity while I'm running and communing with God, yet when my run is over, often I forget all of the great thoughts that I had and wanted to write down when I got back home. But such is life.
It is interesting to see that while running I can do some of my best thinking, and I think it might be because I have cut out a lot of the distractions from my life as soon as I set foot on that trail. All physical feelings--both good and bad-- set aside, a long run for me can be simultaneously wonderful and awful. I do not always want to trudge through some of the memories and thoughts that surface during my run, and by golly, I try my darnedest to shove them back down. But sometimes I get lost in a stream of consciousness and I just float along with it as my legs and arms mindlessly pump back and forth, propelling me down the road.
The other day I found myself lost in a particularly painful thought-flow, but from it I had one of those mini-revelations. I had been feeling physically tired, emotionally and spiritually weary, and just somewhat lonely. I began to think about relationships in my life, their importance, and how I have been wounded in them. This of course was the sharp, stinging pain that I tried to stuff back into it's dark little corner in my heart. But that didn't happen. I found myself asking those difficult questions of myself that cut right to the heart of the issue. Why have I felt so hurt in so many relationships? Why do my wounds always seem to be so deep and gaping, taking too long to heal (too long in my opinion), and leaving scars that seem to affect future relationships?
And I was hit overwhelmingly by a realization that made my heart tired. I have forever been the quiet, reserved, introverted, self-conscious girl. I have spent much of the past few years battling this and begging God to help make me into a confident, independent woman who embraces all he has for me. The confidence I lack has caused me to build this wall around my heart, because too many times I have felt the crushing blow of being let down or deeply hurt by someone with whom I had trusted my true self. This wall makes it difficult for me to open up to, feel comfortable with, and be myself around new people. It takes me a long time to develop a solid relationship with someone in which I can truly divulge real thoughts, feelings, and tidbits from life. I have always envied, coveted even, the outgoing, fun, magnetic personalities of others. I am surrounded by so many of them. Seriously, I must be drawn to them in my desire to be like them...all my closest friends seem to possess these personalities!
So, with my glacial pace of relationship building, I am testing out whether I can truly trust this person. And I am the type of person who will care fiercely, deeply, and passionately about someone whom I trust and love. Then comes the most heart-wrenching realization of all: with nearly every single relationship in my life, I believe (or at least strongly feel) that I am the one who cares more about the other person. My loyalty, trust and affection for those I love is not returned in such great measure-- what a searing feeling of rejection. This hurts, because we all want to be loved and cared for deeply, especially by those we love.
That's odd; mustn't this be how our Heavenly Father feels? He loves us more deeply and completely than we can even comprehend. He sent his only son to die for us on a sinner's cross, and we were completely undeserving. He loves us and cares for us with a fierceness, depth, and passion that is unfathomable, yet we reject him all the time. We don't love him back as much as he loves us. My Heavenly Father knows and understands this rejection and hurt that I sometimes feel so acutely, for this is his experience with all of mankind. Imagine his sorrow and anguish at the thought of those who do not even believe in his name. He loves them with a boundless love, yet they do not even possess any small amount of love for him.
I can identify with God in this feeling of of loneliness and rejection and unequaled love. Jesus was straight up rejected by some of his disciples--his closest friends! In the hours before his crucifixion I think he experienced loneliness and rejection in every pore of his body. In comparison to all of this, those small stabs to my heart seem pretty ridiculous. Yet, I know that God wanted me to know that he understands those feelings and he shares in them; and I am sharing in his suffering as well. In that acute pain of rejection and loneliness I am being molded more into the likeness of my perfect Father in heaven. His image is one that has and is bearing the sorrow of loving those who do not love him back equally. That is our amazing God. I am overwhelmed by the tremendous love he chooses to send to wash over us every single day. I can cling to that love and be comforted in knowing that I do not suffer alone, and that my suffering is not in vain.
"For you have been given not only the privilege of trusting in Christ but also the privilege of suffering for him." (Philippians 1:29)
Yet again, God continues to use the difficult, wearying, trying things in my life to test and refine my faith. And all I can do is choose each day to praise God, no matter what season I am in, and to pray that he continues to refine me through the flame. 1 Peter 1:6-7 has become such a solid foundation for me in difficult times. Praise the Lord that he is sovereign, and that he knows what is best for me. So, I will gladly share in his sufferings in this life, knowing I have an eternal prize that outweighs everything.
"Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." (Romans 8:17)
"For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ." (2 Corinthians 1:5)
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